Now I know why Mamani cleaned...

After 29 and 1/2 years of life, I finally figured it out...why she kept doing it...saabeedan, shostan, jamo joor, khoneh takooni, Vitex and more Vitex. Today was this closet, tomorrow the freezer. We even had cleaning dates, I recall. I looked forward to those days that she would come over and help me bring everything out of every drawer, and throw out and dust away and organize...she would sit in the middle of the room, with one leg tucked inside and the other out forward...and went on all day and sometimes two to three days...repeatedly, so therapeutically. If she was by the sink with her colorox making sure every dish was as white as brand new, she would never escape that wet loose peerahan of hers...But at the end of it all, you could see her joy, a sense of achievement, as sense of conquer.

Now I know: She cleaned to destroy every ounce of misery out of her miserable life, to erase away the memory of a husband who never talked to her...a mother who had passed away when she was four...just stroke after stroke. Constantly hoping that one day maybe it will be gone.

Now I know because today when i came home the first thing on my mind was to clean my kitchen cabinet and hang all my cloths in the closet...b/c that would the only thing I have control over now but soon i realized it's a fallacy. No matter how much you wash and dust, it will come back to hunt you soon enough...it will manage to be a mess again and again and again.