Pofak Namaki

When a "basteh" comes from Iran, it usually consists of my favorite edibles including zereshk, pesteh, lavashak and these days, mom and dad also put in what was formerly called "Pofak Namaki". However, these days, the manufacturer has changed the name to Cheetoooz.

This bugs me. Why would they want to change "Pofak Namaki" to Cheetooz? As I munch on some while standing in the kitchen I decide to read the label more carefully: it also says "Esnak-e-Paneer". Esnak???? Are you kidding me? What is this BS with the English? Pofak was perfect.

I am pissed off now. But I still munch on them because they still taste the same as they used to when they were called Pofak written in Farsi and cost only 5 Toman and I bought them from the baghalli on the way home from school.

I keep munching only because there is a nostalgia left in the taste despite the change of form and the apparent Westernization of an entire culture.

Sunday Morning Randomness

I wake up early. Watch some TV...KCET has a guy talking about savings, asset building and IRAs. It reminds me that I recently opened an IRA account, told the guy I would send him the money and yet, have not done it. As if finally making the payment will actually mean that I have grown up and take serious responsibility about a distant future. And of course, part of me resists the idea of growing up anyway. So I keep holding on to the payment.

Another channel is the Chris Matthew show. A bunch of idiots rattle on about the Hillary/Obama fiasco and offer their dumb opinions. Even Chris's voice brings down my energy. Wayne Dyer talks about how one must not get involved in politics or listen to political shows because all it does is create division and separation in a universe that is nothing but whole. Wayne is right but it is very hard to practice what he says especially if you are a divorce lawyer.

They also show clips of Bill Clinton on the campaign trail, backing up Hillary. His hair is all white and although he has kept his charm, you can totally see how much he has aged since 1992 when he first appeared in the public eye. Before OJ Simpson, and Monica Lewinsky and his two heart attacks and Bin Laden and 911, Afghanistan and Iraq and the mess that GWB created. (yes i refuse to say his unholy name) It seems like life times ago.

Wow. That was 16 years ago. I was still in high school. I was still naive and idealistic.

Being idealistic and young...just like the file clerk that I interviewed on Friday and in response to "Why you wanna go to law school?", she says "because I want to help people". I laughed inside but I think I am gonna hire her anyway. Maybe her youth and idealism will bring fresh air to the office? Maybe.

And today is a very important day. The premier of the second play which brings me some hope because it might be the end of a cycle for me. His last play started on the weekend after I got news that I failed the bar the first time around. Echheart Tolle talks about Cycles and how necessary they are for life sustenance...the whole This-Too-Will-End bullshit. But it's true as long as you believe it (isn't that ironic?). So today, I decide to believe that a cycle that began that weekend in Nov. 2004 will end for me, which brought the idea and the feeling that I am nothing but a failure because I didn't pass the damn exam on the first try, consequently affecting my practice as a lawyer. This is it. Today we are ending this cycle.

With that being said and decided, I should go do something productive on this Sunday before we hit the road. Or maybe not.

Times of comfort with mere strangers

Yesterday I would wake up next to a man in his bed who gave me comfort. Outside in the living room, slept his friend, yet another strange man. The three of us would eat breakfast together as if we were family...as if this strange bond had existed for eternity.

Today, I wake up after a nap and smell the familiar sense of "ghormesabzi" coming from downstairs, made by this strange girl I met out of the blue a few yesterdays ago who has now become my family. Then I walk downstairs and me, this girl and her strange newly found "boy" eat dinner together.

Both of the above situations feel normal. Both give me comfort. Both take away the feeling of falling down in a lonely bottomless pit, not knowing when you are gonna hit the the bottom and get destroyed.

And this is how you grow up: to break away from the familiar bonds of those who are blood around you, you have to form new bonds with mere strangers, and believe in your heart that they too can bring the same comfort as your parents did.

You must. Or else, you will hit the bottom of the pit one day.

Office Temps

Gail was a temp.

Gail came in earlier than everyone else in the mornings and sometimes she had to wait outside of the locked door because she didn't have a key. They don't give keys out to temps...you know.

Gail even made the coffee first thing in the morning.

Gail was a nice lady and would chat with you in the kitchen.

Today was Gail's last day.

Gail was a temp and Temps don't stay long.

One can not get emotionally attached to temps who come in and go.

Conflict with the self

What part of "Coffee makes you feel sick these days" don't I understand?

Vaysta Donya, Man Meekham Peeyadeh Sham

I actually did that.

In December 2007, Az Zendegi Peeyadeh Shodam.

Yek maah, peeyadeh raah raftam. Khaily khoob bood, ham hava khoob bood ham yeh varzeshi kardam.

kholaaseh, hesaabi haal kardam.

Then I got back on, and ever since then...it's been a great ride.

In Life, if the train doesn't stop so you can get off, you jump out. That's what you do. If you need to get out...you need to get out. That's it. Period.

Today I grew up.

Today, I realized I have grown up.

This is how and why: instead of hiding under the blankets, cancelling all my appointments and turning off my phone all day, I woke up, dressed up, came to work and confronted my issues.

Wow.

Today's Thought

Credit Score, MShhhredit Score.

Did you not see Fight Club? This is all a big F)(*&ing conspiracy.

Tackle Your Fears

I have decided to take a class on Tax.

Of course, that decision comes after a weekend crunch in a "half-ass" attempt to prepare my own taxes, mistakenly believing that i can handle numbers without hyperventilating or having nightmares all night long.

Yes, I better take a course and tackle this fear.

Happy Tax Day.

She is a kind judge

Judge CS in Orange County Central has perfect straight blond hair every day of the week. (What time does she wake up to do her hair anyway?)

Judge CS wears her red lipstick also...every day.

After the first day I made a fool out of myself before her, she now knows I am a rookie, so she is kind to me: while she chastises me on a technical or legal issue doing her job and looking at me from underneath her glasses, she also smiles. She is basically telling me with her smile that she knows where I am coming from, that she herself, was there once, before this long black robe and this bench came to her life.

I like Judge CS. I like her so much, I had a dream she was calling me by my first name instead of "counsel".

But judge CS will take advantage of every chance to beat me up at every appearance...I know it.

That's how lawyers get made.

Unkissed

We meet in my dreams every once in a while.

We sneak around, as we used to do, making sure that no one sees us or that your mom doesn't pick up the phone to hear us. More than that, I am still nervous about someone catching my eyes, the way it gazes into yours...still careful about stealing my gaze away so no one will know of our young foolish love.

And yet, and to this day, I am waiting for you to kiss me finally...still waiting even in my dreams.

Will you ever kiss me?

On Anger

Anger may be a low form of energy. Regardless, it is a drving force at the same time. At least for me, I get more done when i am angry.

The Monkey Mind

My monkey mind has been chattering all night and all day today. In fact, I don't think I even slept that well last night from his constant chatter...

I am so tired of my monkey mind.

Some may say that since I am aware of the monkey mind and that I now recognize that there is a clear line between who I am as a person, and my monkey mind, by that virtue only...I am at a higher place.

You see, before, I didn't even discern that there was a monkey mind...I thought I and monkey mind were the same...

Is this complicated?

A funeral for my suit

i bought my black skirt suit with pink stripes, three years ago, the day after i passed the bar as s present to myself for entering the legal field.

it was just so perfect, the way it fit my body: it was "suited" for me.

Soon, it would become my favorite suit: every time i wore it, i got a job offer...aside from the fact that it was also his favorite suit of mine. He thought i looked really sexy in it.

The suit was worn over and over again...it was starting to get worn out, and you know when something you've been wearing a lot gets worn out, you just do. There is no kidding around it. At the same time, you become attached and can't let go.

i knew it had done its time in this world and i should have let her go. But because of this three year relationship that we have been in and my unreasonable attachment to it, i wore it today for my first unlawful detainer trial.

Well, i lost the trial and my clients, a family of five, will be evicted from their place in 7-10 business days.

i just knew i should have worn a different suit.

Now I am clear. Crystal clear: the suit must be let go...