She knew...

Wednesday, December 28, 2005:

Could not sleep all night, finally got out of bed around 6 a.m. when it was pitch dark, got dressed, and left AH while it was still dark...91 W, 605 N, 105 W, 405 S...the whole thing took 40 mins. Got to work around 7:30 a.m.---the earliest I had ever gone to work.

She fired me around 9:30 a.m. She said I can stay till Friday but I wanted to get out of there, wanted to run. So I cleaned up and left but 3:30 p.m...Was wearing my red coat. Just drove south on 405, didn't want to go back to my apartment, ever. I had no other reason to be there. Drove and drove and drove...got to her apartment...maybe I was crying...maybe just numb. Her place was so warm, so cozy...with the fireplace on...we talked, we planned, we focused, I made some phone calls. Then I went Home and told them I am moving back in. Didn't say why, just told Him to get the U-Haul for next week...I could see they were shocked, inquisitive... but I gave no room for discussion.

Thursday, December 29, 2005:

Woke up at 8:30 a.m. I think i had tea with them and then went upstairs and sent about 25 resumes.

11:30 a.m. She e-mailed me to come in for interview on Friday.

2:00 p.m. Drove to LA for an appointment at CGI with Ruth.

3:30 p.m. I told her about the red wall in the apartment and how my couch was now facing the opposite direction and that's why it was time for me to leave.

5:30 p.m. Went and got my nails done for the last time on Robertson Blvd.

7:45 p.m. Colored my hair for the last time in my pink bathroom.

Friday December 30, 2005:

Drove on 10 E to 5 S to 17th Street. Discovered two things I liked about the location: LA Fitness and Starbucks.

11:00 a.m. Interview with LJM.

9:00 p.m. D and D's 50th wedding anniversary on a boat in Marina del Rey.

Wednesday January 4, 2006:

10: 00 a.m. He brought the U-Hall and we were out of there. Boom.

7:30 p.m. LJM had left a msg and offered me the job.

***

And this is why the first time she saw me, she could see it right through me...that i had some major built-in survival skills...she didn't even know the whole story...the fact that I was fired on Wed and by Thursday night, I had my nails and hair done, ready for another job interview...she didn't have to know that to see that I had it all very strongly built-in...very deeply, somewhere down to my core being...Down to the cellular level.

She knew...

But this is the first time I have told this story.

Now I know why Mamani cleaned...

After 29 and 1/2 years of life, I finally figured it out...why she kept doing it...saabeedan, shostan, jamo joor, khoneh takooni, Vitex and more Vitex. Today was this closet, tomorrow the freezer. We even had cleaning dates, I recall. I looked forward to those days that she would come over and help me bring everything out of every drawer, and throw out and dust away and organize...she would sit in the middle of the room, with one leg tucked inside and the other out forward...and went on all day and sometimes two to three days...repeatedly, so therapeutically. If she was by the sink with her colorox making sure every dish was as white as brand new, she would never escape that wet loose peerahan of hers...But at the end of it all, you could see her joy, a sense of achievement, as sense of conquer.

Now I know: She cleaned to destroy every ounce of misery out of her miserable life, to erase away the memory of a husband who never talked to her...a mother who had passed away when she was four...just stroke after stroke. Constantly hoping that one day maybe it will be gone.

Now I know because today when i came home the first thing on my mind was to clean my kitchen cabinet and hang all my cloths in the closet...b/c that would the only thing I have control over now but soon i realized it's a fallacy. No matter how much you wash and dust, it will come back to hunt you soon enough...it will manage to be a mess again and again and again.

size 8

I feel like that movie with Robert De Niro...Awakenings or something like that or better yet, Flowers for Algernon? about the mentally impaired guy who became normal for a while and then woooops, it was gone.

Lost lots of it for a while and everything was happy dandy, Felt Good, went from 8 to 4 or maybe even 2 by end of January 06. Thought to myself, thank God I didn't throw those jeans away.

And then....once again, it's back in its place. And this cycle has been going on and on and on since I was 13? So Sista Opera, yes, I relate.

The only good thing is that now I know the game, and i know I can lose it whenever I feel like it...I know all about internal power and self-determination and EFFICACY. Yup. I don't feel as if it's beyond me.

So I am sure I will go back to 4 or even 2 sometime soon...whenever I feel like it.

DD

He wears really thick glasses, has pink skin, is tall.

Today, I noticed he is left-handed when he signed his letters...I think at times, his hands shake...due to his age of course... Reminds me of Babaee.

Today, he also said he has to leave early because it's his wife's birthday and has to take her out.

Today, he also told us on their last vacation, they just went to this hotel in Laguna Beach and stayed there..."it's a special place for us", he added.

He is older than most of the judges even, I bet. Why doesn't he retire already? Maybe that's what keeps him going...files, discovery, depos...more depos...35 years of depos and still going...signing left-handedly...

His name is DD.

The almighty trash bins

I have fallen in love with trash bins recently...trash cans of all shapes, forms and sizes...the bigger they are, the better for me...I get to throw away and throw far...and to let go of dirt, dust, old memories and just cleanse...every time I walk over to the bin with my full trash bag in my hand, and with every throw of arm, I feel powerful, relieved, as if I have lived a good life, enjoyed the moments and am just getting rid of the irrelevant and useless part of it. (i ate a good can of soup and the can is gone now...)

Of course, I love the recycling bin even better, b/c not only I am cleansing my life by recycling, I am also helping the environment...some time in an unknown moment, in a far away land, some stranger is going to reuse what I recycled (someone once told me she had encountered recycled toilette paper but that's pushing it a little...at least i hope they don't recycle toilette paper FROM toilette paper itself...Actually I don't want to know how they do it. I rather just mystify the concept)

In the past few months, starting last December with my immigration to OC, I have thrown away three truck loads full of stuff...and recycled my college/graduate school papers...and I feel so good. With a every useless item that's out of my life, I feel a new cell in my body to be born, feel light and elated... my breathing more regular.

Maybe if she had thrown away enough during her lifetime, she would have renewed her body cells too...maybe she would not have become sick...maybe her nerves would not have been damaged like they are now. But instead, she held on tight, and kept it all around her: old receipts, expired medicine, lipstick and mascara gone bad, babaee's unused paper towels, my first swim suit from when I was 2 years old...The past basically never left her.

Maybe if I throw away enough, I won't become like her? Maybe.

I am comfy

If I tell people that I could have moved on to a better job, with a better pay but I failed to follow up with my documents...they'd think I am crazy. But I am now comfortable here...sitting here, on a Friday night in November, looking out at the lights in South Orange County: the cars on 55 North Bound have white lights, and the ones on 55 South bound with red lights...Occasionally a plane goes over the freeway and our building, ready to land at SNA--John Wayne Airport.

After 10 months, I am finally so comfy that I am not terrified of being alone on a Friday night, with mom, dad, mamani and sis gone...and Him gone...I am finally what Dr. W called "being well-grounded". Well...I am back to being well-grounded b/c i would like to believe that I was fine before...I am finally healing... Serotonin levels are high... She did say it's gonna take a year.

I am so comfy, I wear the same pair of jeans every Friday that's a casual day and wear no make- up.

I am so comfy I tell off my bosses...jokingly of course...

I even have a heater for my office...where am I supposed to go now? Why would I give up my comfort zone?

When they asked me why I stayed for three years at CHCR, I lied and said I wanted to work for them after graduation...but the truth was I had become comfy there too...in control, in charge, master of all things. That's why I stayed.

How long is this comfort going to last this time?